Super 8 (2011)

So, some kids are being kids (making a movie, but it doesn't matter) and a train wreck or something happens, and some emotions happen or something, I don't really remember, but to sum up, everybody gets chased into a cave and the alien- SPOILER ALERT: It's an alien (like you didn't already fucking figure that out) gets them but then he doesn't eat them and he opens his eyes AND THEY'RE HUMAN EYES, and instead of being terrified like they should be the kids are all heartwarmed and everything turns out peachy. Weak. Oh, and I just remembered, in the final scene, there's this locket, and the kid is holding onto the locket 'cuz it represents his dead mom, and the dad says "no, let it go" and he lets it go and that lets the alien spaceship take off for some reason. Gaaay. ZERO STARS. You know what was an awesome movie about aliens? District 9.

District 9 (2009)

District 9 is what a sci-fi alien action movie should be, harsh, constantly exciting, and satisfying, but the best thing about it is how it has its way with your brain. The aliens in District 9 look like a cross between the bugs from Starship Troopers and Dr. Zoidberg, which works perfectly because even though you know you're going to feel for these disgusting creatures by the end (damn liberal filmmakers), your immediate feeling is repulsion. You're also pretty repulsed by the main character, though not because he's turning into a creustacean; more because he's an ass, and quite effectively so. His transformation is both figurative and literal, and as he transforms the nature of the sci-fi world transforms. By the end of the movie, humans explode with frequency, and all aliens are heroes who either save the day or go out in a blaze of glory. This movie is about rebellion and justice in the face of (human) oppression. Totally made me cry, and not in the lame, manipulative way, UNLIKE SOME MOVIES.

Y'know, comparing these two movies, I can't help but notice they approach similar sci-fi subjects from very different cultural angles. District 9 feels very much like an American action movie (despite its foreign production), but is about life under and the struggle against oppression. Super 8 feels like a boring foreign drama, but is about growing up in America in the '80s.

Make of it what you will, I guess.

Highlander (1986)

Hey guys! Let's talk about Highlander!

Like: remember when I thought I'd seen Highlander so I never watched it? 

And then remember last month when I logged in to Netflix and Netflix was all, "Heeey! Welcome back, %name friend! How about you rate this Highlander movie so my sexy algorithms can figure you out?" I was all, "I'm game, Flix, but I don't exactly remember that one." And Netflix was all, "Seriously? What are you doing with yourself?" And I actually sort of got my feelings hurt, but I played it off like I was just tired or whatever, and then hit play? OF COURSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT. I was alone in my room. But if you need proof I can put you in touch with my roommate's dog who was napping by my door at the time (no wait, I'm bad at getting back to people so take his info now: truckerschnauzer@aol.dog). 

Right. So there I was on my bed with my laptop, drinking some over-steeped tea, and I'm thinking, oh yeeeeeah, I remember this movie! Maybe. It's a movie about... boxing! Or, no, hang on, where's that fellow going? Oh right, right, right, to the parking lot where he's going to get in his vehic... waaaait whaaaaaat?! 

COMMENCE SPOILERS!

It turns out this guy Connor is IMMORTAL and he has a SWORD! And he is wielding it like a grandmaster motherfucking gladiator! And some other immortal is trying to Take Him Out, but the main Connor guy's like "no thanks!" and chops that other dude's face right off! And then there's this suspiciously cool-looking blue lighting event and Connor rushes off to safety!! 

So I yelled at the dog to hold my calls (what?) and watched the rest of this totally badass movie during which I got a crush on Connor and subsequently regretted said crush when it turned out he's sort of a creepy mess.

THE END!

Grade: B+

Helvetica (2007)

This is a documentary that consists 90% of B-roll of typeface.

...but,

it's also a history of design and culture of the past five decades.

You know,

the kind of shit you wish you learned in school.

...but you didn't.

If you're looking for something to peel back your personal perspective a little bit and inspire some out-of-the-box thinking

...this movie may do the trick.

Or maybe you'll just fuck around with fonts WHO KNOWS

Grade: B+

Rambo (2008)

The first half of this movie is basically a long series of atrocities in explicit detail, with the added bonus of getting to think "Oh hey, Myanmar... so then this kinda shit is actually happening, isn't it?" It is as sad and depressing and horrific as you would expect, right down to every child-murdering, limb-severing detail.

The second half of this movie is Rambo and friends killing the fuck out of every single man in Asia.

That's, like, it. Seriously; it's just sad violence for 45 minutes, then happy violence for 45 minutes. Pretty straightforward. It works, too, because by the time Rambo pulls out his bow and shoots, like, 10 guys straight in the face, so many horrible atrocities have been committed against innocents by the stereotypical Asian militiamen that every pacifist cell in your poor, traumatized body has long since been eradicated. By the 3rd act, you don't care that it's really black and white, or that it maybe kinda has some pretty questionable thematic undertones; damnit, you want blood! And boy do you get it.

...

OK, truth time: I'm a little disturbed by how much I enjoyed this movie.

Grade: A

Crank 2: High Voltage

Yesterday I delighted in a chance encounter with a sublime filmic experience. It was a gorgeous Seattle day and as the fates would have it I commuted home on foot. Instead of taking the same ol' route, I chose a path that took me past Seattle’s beloved Cinerama.

A mere glance at the reader board and my future realigned. Crank: High Voltage, which you may know as Crank 2, was not only screening, but it was screening in SUPER PANAVISION 70!

Popcorn in hand, Coke in other hand, ticket stub in pocket, smile on face, I walked into the theater.

As I was preparing myself for a joyful, yet violent jaunt projected on a titanic scale, I was surprised and delighted that Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (co-writers and directors) had chosen to begin their sequel with an epic orchestral overture before the curtains pulled back--a drastic departure from the opening tone of the first film which opened in the first person POV of Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) drugged, sleepy, and panicked about the adrenaline-fueled time bomb implanted in his chest cavity, Crank: High Voltage gently eased the audience into the story with an orchestration both dark and lovely. This was only the first indication that Neveldine and Taylor had matured with their audience.

When the curtains opened and the film begin, we were treated to a short and dynamic motorcycle action scene (totally sweet) before cutting to a series of short clips that indicated our off screen protagonist was in a state of post mortem. This, of course, put us on track with the tag line, "He was dead...But he got better," and I was prepared for Jason Statham to burst, fist over, um, bullet, out of the bronzed memorial bust and start kicking some serious ass. At this point I should have known that the film was moving in a different direction. Yet another bold artistic choice for this big budget Hollywood flick was to strike a brooding juxtaposition between our expectations and the viewing experience, by skipping over what was surely a miraculous, Lazarusian reanimation scene and cutting right to the heart. Well Played, Neveldine and Taylor, well played.

In short, the rest of the film was a masterpiece. Jason Statham will surely be acknowledged by the academy for his knock ‘em dead performance and bewildering physical transformation (matched only by Charlize Theron in Monster). Overall, I give Crank: High Voltage five stars and two thumbs up! This unexpectedly historically relevant, character powerhouse of a scenic film will wow even the most disillusioned Hollywood spectators. Each of the 96 minutes felt twice as full, robust, and dare I say long? Just goes to show that modern cinema is more than competent in creating masterful art even in throw away sequels… although, despite advertising, I’m pretty sure this was a prequel.

On my way out I noticed that the reader board mentions that Lawrence of Arabia is also playing... snoozefest.

Grade: A+

Hellboy 2 (2008)

Too bad Hell Boy 2 had to be a blockbuster. You see, in blockbusters shit blows up, concrete is torn from the ground and your senses are sent to an overwhelmed plane that only Michael Bay truly understands. The problem here is that director Guillermo Del Toro has crafted such intricate and innovative monsters that the explosions distract from what is actually interesting about the film. The monsters have such life that just watching them walking around and twitch is enthralling, but then, oh wait, what? I guess they have to fight now.

The same problem afflicts the film’s protagonists. Hellboy and his crew of misfits (Jeffery Tambor!) are the first group of superheroes that you would actually want to hang out with. They share a goofy sense humor that’s infectious and when Hellboy and Abe get drunk and sing sappy love songs it’s transcendent. But the movie quickly moves from engaging camaraderie to world-saving, which means less interaction and, ironically, less fun. Also a few things just don’t work; Abe’s love story falls painfully short of awkward-funny and the preening villain only moves via slow motion back flip (at one point he cuts a rain drop in half. Did we learn nothing from the Matrix Revolutions?)

But this movie is better than its predecessor. Ron Peralman is great, the monsters are dazzling and everyone seems like they are having a blast. Let’s just hope that in Del Toro’s next film the hobbits get more time to chill out and banter.

Wanted (2008)

Every few decades or so, I get to watch a movie that has absolutely everything: amazing characters, genius plot, bullet time, moistened cleavage... "Wanted" is that movie. I saw it, I saw it again, and I'm watching a bootlegged version of it that I downloaded off of LimeWire right now.

This is the greatest movie I have ever seen.

Grade: B+

Wanted (2008)

Sometimes the hardest part about reviewing a film is admitting that you actually went to see it. This movie lured me with promises of bullet time and slightly moistened cleavage. I paid ten dollars.

It was a really shitty movie guys.

Grade: D+

Network (1976)

If you were wondering what movie George Clooney has been trying to make for the past decade, look no further then Network, an eloquent satire of sensationalized news. The film was meant as comedy but the humor hit so close to home, it was interpreted as a drama by the Academy and given the award for best picture. There are some really brilliant moments, such as the network pioneering reality TV by paying terrorists to film their bank heists and kidnappings and the accurate prediction of Rupert Murdock’s monopolistic media clusterfuck. But the best joke comes from the film’s enduring catch phrase, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!” Screaming it sure makes citizens feel better but doing so changes nothing and ultimately shows how Limbaugh-ian anger is manipulated for ratings.

The film is not always subtle (at one point the protagonist tells other characters what they symbolize) and any character, no matter how minor, might erupt into an expressive monologue at any time, but this is all part of the movie’s urgent charm.

Grade: A+

WALL-E (2008)

Pixar’s streak of movies that are both innovative and commercially successful is unreal. They are the Beatles of animation and WALL-E is their Sergeant Pepper’s. Like that defining concept album, WALL-E experiments with narrative and point of view in ways you have never seen in computer animation. The film operates with very little dialogue; visual clues, and clever slapstick fill in where exposition and fast talking celebrity cameos were before.

But mainly, it’s a movie about adorable robots in love. The treatment of animated characters as emotionally complicated beings is Pixar’s gene for success and WALL-E is no exception. WALL-E collects trash from an abandoned world and through his curious interactions with everyday items, we know him. Its hard to resist a robot who uses a film canister as a top hat and dances along to a discarded Barbra Streisand musical. Most importantly, the love between WALL-E and the i-podesque EVE is unorthodox and touching.

Ok, so I know I’m gushing a bit, but this movie makes you feel great. I guess if I really thought about it hard, I might complain that the themes of environmentalism and anti-wal-martism were a little simplified but this is an unabashedly romantic film and hell, maybe love is all you need.

Grade: A+

Be Kind Rewind (2008) or Anand has a fight with Ali part one

Expectations are a funny thing. When we see a comedy, Judd Aptow's films come to mind, we don't feel betrayed when the dim protagonist bumbles through the film only to miraculously transform into an intelligent, emotional human being. But when we are presented with similarly non-dynamic characters in Michel Gondry' Be Kind Rewind, we feel cheated. Gondry is supposed to be an artist! But the thing is Gondry has never promised to present fully realized characters or a plot grounded in reality and the sort of film making he celebrates in Be Kind Rewind, both hollywood and backyard productions, don't either. So this is a flawed film but the flaws are forgivable if you accept that Gondry's creations come with their own style of camp.

Of course, Gondry's considerable knack for imaginative shots and homemade sets makes forgiving him particularly easy. And this film was built to show off Gondry's DIY genius. The protagonists hastily recreate classic blockbusters like Robocop with homemade sets and slap dash special effects that are as inventive as they are charming.

And ultimately, Gondry's thesis about cinema absolves him. For Gondry, movies are more then just the characters and plot which inhabit them, they exist in the viewing public's memory and communities of experience are formed around them. Sweding itself is central to this celebration of collective memory. Sweded films are not shot by shot remakes of their sources but rather 15 minutes of what everyone involved remembers about the film and then some stuff that the creators just made up ( hilariously shown by Jack Black's mangling of the Ghost Busters' theme song). This is why Rush Hour 2 can play an equally important role in community building as the protagonist's Fats Weller documentary and why this film, with it's two dimensional characters and fantastical plot, can make an important and artistically justified statement about movies. Is Be Kind Rewind's final scene whimsical and unrealistic? Yeah, but so is a robotic super cop with the soul of a human trapped inside.

Grade: B+

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

THE INCREDIBLE HULK!

I have to admit, I had low expectations for this movie. It had so many things potentially going against it: it was a remake of a movie made a mere five years ago, it was written by Zak Penn (the guy who wrote "X3"), and, most ominously, its star, Edward Norton, was refusing to promote it. So by the time the opening credits began over an expository sequence of pictures and events (never a good sign), I had emotionally prepared myself for pretty much any level of badness that didn't dip below the "The Punisher" mark.

But the unexpected happened: the movie started to be pretty good. As it happens, "The Incredible Hulk" is not a remake at all, but a sequel; the expository sequence at the beginning serves to pretty much sum up the events of the first movie, albeit in a slightly altered and significantly less confusing manner. "Hulk" was an origin story; "The Incredible Hulk" feels more like what I imagine the TV show felt like (and having never seen said TV show, I am obviously a credible source on the subject), wherein we get to follow Edward Norton on the run in Brazil in what turns out to be a fairly interesting story. Superhero movies tend to be most compelling when the superheroes are at their least super; running from the law, living off of cash... Bruce Banner's is an incredibly compelling story to watch, a story that allows one to connect to the character on a human level. Also, he's played by Edward Norton. That helps.

So in conclusion, "The Incredible Hulk" is highly enjoyable so far, and three-fourths of the way into the movie I feel confident in saying that I would recommend it.


THE INCREDIBLE HULK!

What the hell?

Why did they do that? The movie seemed like it was going so well... is this New York's fault? Everything went to shit when they got to New York. Maybe Bruce Banner is allergic to New York? Yes, that's the explanation! Bruce Banner is allergic to New York, so every time he goeaaargh no who am I kidding? I know why this happened. We've seen this a million times before...

hello studio executive how are you todayHELLO WRITER HULK SHOULD FIGHT HIMSELF ...what? no that's notYES HE SHOULD FIGHT HIMSELF OR MAYBE AN ORC ...i don't thinWAIT YESSSSS HE SHOULD FIGHT A CROSS BETWEEN HIMSELF AND A ORC OH MY GOD I AM A GENIUS ok, i know that sounds cool, but it'll probably actually be kind of boring. NO IT WILL BE COOL TRUST ME WRITER I AM HELLA AWESOME yes... sir... but don't you think mayOH AND FUCK LETS DROP HIM OUT OF A HELICOPTER ...that ...why? BECAUSE WHAT OBVIOUSLY ITS FRICKING THE COOLEST THING EVAR

I'm legitimately disappointed. I felt like this movie had so much going for it: it was a well-thought-out sequel, it was written by Zak Penn (the guy who wrote "X2"), and, fuck, Edward Norton was in it! Now I know why he refused to promote it. I guess I really don't like Bruce Banner when he's angry; action alone is not suspense: obviously Hulk is going to win (SPOILERS). Superhero movies tend to be most compelling when the superheroes are at their least super, and there is little that is super-er than the Hulk fighting another the Hulk, nor is there much that is boring-er. Honestly, I preferred the ending to "Hulk," in which (as my friend so aptly puts it) the Hulk and some guy explode into a cloud of nonsense (SPOILERS). That ending was ridiculous, but this ending was weak, as weak as the exact opposite of two Hulks beating the shit out of each other. And, of course, there's the reveal at the very end (with a cameo, and who doesn't love cameos) that this movie was essentially made for the specific purpose of allowing the studio to turn The Avengers into a movie which will suck (SPOILERS). I suppose it could be worse, though. They could try to make another sequel. And, at the rate they're going, "The Absolutely Ridiculous Hulk" would've been downright terrible.

No, I believe the Hulk franchise is dead, and it must let the world think it is dead until it can find a way to control the raging morons that dwell within it.

DUN DUN DUHN, DUHN, DUHHHHN!

Mission Impossible 3 (2006)

Despite Tom Cruise’s deeply disturbing smile (the same vein pops out of his forehead whether he is smiling or crying) this was a solid action movie. Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a terrifying villain and director J.J. Abrams was able to shoot action clichés in innovative ways. Also the message of the movie, that Tom Cruise’s loved ones will be punished for associating with Tom Cruise, retains relevance.

Grade: B+

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Jesus. Shia Labeouf was so bad. He was supposed to Marlon Brando or James Dean maybe but instead he just combed his hair a bunch. It definitely seemed like about 8 scripts were written and then cut up and put in a hat and then the hat was burned and they said, “fuck it, lets make a shitty movie.” I appreciated that maybe in the back of their minds they tried to continue the father-son themes which were moving in “The Last Crusade” but, just like the cold war theme and the fear of age and vulnerability theme, it was abandoned so that we could see a psychedelic alien.

Grade: D

The Fugitive (1993)

Before allowing you to play the movie, the DVD of “the Fugitive” forces you to watch a five minute reflection on the film which was mostly the director struggling to talk to a senile Tommy Lee Jones over speaker phone. An excerpt:

Director: Tommy…Tommy can you hear me?

TLJ: (mumbles)

Director: I’m calling about “The Fugitive”

TLJ: what?

Director: The movie. That we did together. Remember?

TLJ: (silence)

Did Harrison Ford jump off that dam? Yes. Did Tommy Lee Jones’ police crew each have a distinctive sassy personality? Yes, and there were like five of them.

Grade: B

Girl Sparks (2007)

An overlong surrealist Japanese teen comedy about finding happiness while feeling insignificant. There is some funny and touching stuff here: A stumbling pair of male teens who both start the same sentences at the same time and then giggle at each other, a father who is desperate to connect with his daughter and through his failed attempts to do so connects with all the other male characters in the film (all of whom end up living at his house and working at his screw factory). Unfortunately, these characters are not the focus and are forced to take a back seat to a whiny, unlikable protagonist who kicks the wall a lot. At one point though, the director asks her from behind the camera if she would like to star in porn later which was a pretty interesting move, so its not like this was a film without merit, you just have to wade through some infantile ranting to get there.

Grade: B-

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Shane Black’s “fuck you” to Hollywood could have easily been indulgent and unwatchable. Instead, sharp dialogue and an attentive plot make it a pretty funny commentary on what makes misogynistic action movies fun to watch. The self-aware narration gently mocks the protagonists and even the most ridiculous action (the protagonist shooting the villain while hanging off a bridge clutching the arm of a corpse) is justified through “Adaptation”-style meta joke. Plus Robert Downey Jr. is so charming! You want to kiss him on the lips even though you know where those lips have been.

Grade: B+