Super 8 (2011)

So, some kids are being kids (making a movie, but it doesn't matter) and a train wreck or something happens, and some emotions happen or something, I don't really remember, but to sum up, everybody gets chased into a cave and the alien- SPOILER ALERT: It's an alien (like you didn't already fucking figure that out) gets them but then he doesn't eat them and he opens his eyes AND THEY'RE HUMAN EYES, and instead of being terrified like they should be the kids are all heartwarmed and everything turns out peachy. Weak. Oh, and I just remembered, in the final scene, there's this locket, and the kid is holding onto the locket 'cuz it represents his dead mom, and the dad says "no, let it go" and he lets it go and that lets the alien spaceship take off for some reason. Gaaay. ZERO STARS. You know what was an awesome movie about aliens? District 9.

District 9 (2009)

District 9 is what a sci-fi alien action movie should be, harsh, constantly exciting, and satisfying, but the best thing about it is how it has its way with your brain. The aliens in District 9 look like a cross between the bugs from Starship Troopers and Dr. Zoidberg, which works perfectly because even though you know you're going to feel for these disgusting creatures by the end (damn liberal filmmakers), your immediate feeling is repulsion. You're also pretty repulsed by the main character, though not because he's turning into a creustacean; more because he's an ass, and quite effectively so. His transformation is both figurative and literal, and as he transforms the nature of the sci-fi world transforms. By the end of the movie, humans explode with frequency, and all aliens are heroes who either save the day or go out in a blaze of glory. This movie is about rebellion and justice in the face of (human) oppression. Totally made me cry, and not in the lame, manipulative way, UNLIKE SOME MOVIES.

Y'know, comparing these two movies, I can't help but notice they approach similar sci-fi subjects from very different cultural angles. District 9 feels very much like an American action movie (despite its foreign production), but is about life under and the struggle against oppression. Super 8 feels like a boring foreign drama, but is about growing up in America in the '80s.

Make of it what you will, I guess.

Highlander (1986)

Hey guys! Let's talk about Highlander!

Like: remember when I thought I'd seen Highlander so I never watched it? 

And then remember last month when I logged in to Netflix and Netflix was all, "Heeey! Welcome back, %name friend! How about you rate this Highlander movie so my sexy algorithms can figure you out?" I was all, "I'm game, Flix, but I don't exactly remember that one." And Netflix was all, "Seriously? What are you doing with yourself?" And I actually sort of got my feelings hurt, but I played it off like I was just tired or whatever, and then hit play? OF COURSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT. I was alone in my room. But if you need proof I can put you in touch with my roommate's dog who was napping by my door at the time (no wait, I'm bad at getting back to people so take his info now: truckerschnauzer@aol.dog). 

Right. So there I was on my bed with my laptop, drinking some over-steeped tea, and I'm thinking, oh yeeeeeah, I remember this movie! Maybe. It's a movie about... boxing! Or, no, hang on, where's that fellow going? Oh right, right, right, to the parking lot where he's going to get in his vehic... waaaait whaaaaaat?! 

COMMENCE SPOILERS!

It turns out this guy Connor is IMMORTAL and he has a SWORD! And he is wielding it like a grandmaster motherfucking gladiator! And some other immortal is trying to Take Him Out, but the main Connor guy's like "no thanks!" and chops that other dude's face right off! And then there's this suspiciously cool-looking blue lighting event and Connor rushes off to safety!! 

So I yelled at the dog to hold my calls (what?) and watched the rest of this totally badass movie during which I got a crush on Connor and subsequently regretted said crush when it turned out he's sort of a creepy mess.

THE END!

Grade: B+

Helvetica (2007)

This is a documentary that consists 90% of B-roll of typeface.

...but,

it's also a history of design and culture of the past five decades.

You know,

the kind of shit you wish you learned in school.

...but you didn't.

If you're looking for something to peel back your personal perspective a little bit and inspire some out-of-the-box thinking

...this movie may do the trick.

Or maybe you'll just fuck around with fonts WHO KNOWS

Grade: B+

Rambo (2008)

The first half of this movie is basically a long series of atrocities in explicit detail, with the added bonus of getting to think "Oh hey, Myanmar... so then this kinda shit is actually happening, isn't it?" It is as sad and depressing and horrific as you would expect, right down to every child-murdering, limb-severing detail.

The second half of this movie is Rambo and friends killing the fuck out of every single man in Asia.

That's, like, it. Seriously; it's just sad violence for 45 minutes, then happy violence for 45 minutes. Pretty straightforward. It works, too, because by the time Rambo pulls out his bow and shoots, like, 10 guys straight in the face, so many horrible atrocities have been committed against innocents by the stereotypical Asian militiamen that every pacifist cell in your poor, traumatized body has long since been eradicated. By the 3rd act, you don't care that it's really black and white, or that it maybe kinda has some pretty questionable thematic undertones; damnit, you want blood! And boy do you get it.

...

OK, truth time: I'm a little disturbed by how much I enjoyed this movie.

Grade: A

Crank 2: High Voltage

Yesterday I delighted in a chance encounter with a sublime filmic experience. It was a gorgeous Seattle day and as the fates would have it I commuted home on foot. Instead of taking the same ol' route, I chose a path that took me past Seattle’s beloved Cinerama.

A mere glance at the reader board and my future realigned. Crank: High Voltage, which you may know as Crank 2, was not only screening, but it was screening in SUPER PANAVISION 70!

Popcorn in hand, Coke in other hand, ticket stub in pocket, smile on face, I walked into the theater.

As I was preparing myself for a joyful, yet violent jaunt projected on a titanic scale, I was surprised and delighted that Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (co-writers and directors) had chosen to begin their sequel with an epic orchestral overture before the curtains pulled back--a drastic departure from the opening tone of the first film which opened in the first person POV of Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) drugged, sleepy, and panicked about the adrenaline-fueled time bomb implanted in his chest cavity, Crank: High Voltage gently eased the audience into the story with an orchestration both dark and lovely. This was only the first indication that Neveldine and Taylor had matured with their audience.

When the curtains opened and the film begin, we were treated to a short and dynamic motorcycle action scene (totally sweet) before cutting to a series of short clips that indicated our off screen protagonist was in a state of post mortem. This, of course, put us on track with the tag line, "He was dead...But he got better," and I was prepared for Jason Statham to burst, fist over, um, bullet, out of the bronzed memorial bust and start kicking some serious ass. At this point I should have known that the film was moving in a different direction. Yet another bold artistic choice for this big budget Hollywood flick was to strike a brooding juxtaposition between our expectations and the viewing experience, by skipping over what was surely a miraculous, Lazarusian reanimation scene and cutting right to the heart. Well Played, Neveldine and Taylor, well played.

In short, the rest of the film was a masterpiece. Jason Statham will surely be acknowledged by the academy for his knock ‘em dead performance and bewildering physical transformation (matched only by Charlize Theron in Monster). Overall, I give Crank: High Voltage five stars and two thumbs up! This unexpectedly historically relevant, character powerhouse of a scenic film will wow even the most disillusioned Hollywood spectators. Each of the 96 minutes felt twice as full, robust, and dare I say long? Just goes to show that modern cinema is more than competent in creating masterful art even in throw away sequels… although, despite advertising, I’m pretty sure this was a prequel.

On my way out I noticed that the reader board mentions that Lawrence of Arabia is also playing... snoozefest.

Grade: A+

Hellboy 2 (2008)

Too bad Hell Boy 2 had to be a blockbuster. You see, in blockbusters shit blows up, concrete is torn from the ground and your senses are sent to an overwhelmed plane that only Michael Bay truly understands. The problem here is that director Guillermo Del Toro has crafted such intricate and innovative monsters that the explosions distract from what is actually interesting about the film. The monsters have such life that just watching them walking around and twitch is enthralling, but then, oh wait, what? I guess they have to fight now.

The same problem afflicts the film’s protagonists. Hellboy and his crew of misfits (Jeffery Tambor!) are the first group of superheroes that you would actually want to hang out with. They share a goofy sense humor that’s infectious and when Hellboy and Abe get drunk and sing sappy love songs it’s transcendent. But the movie quickly moves from engaging camaraderie to world-saving, which means less interaction and, ironically, less fun. Also a few things just don’t work; Abe’s love story falls painfully short of awkward-funny and the preening villain only moves via slow motion back flip (at one point he cuts a rain drop in half. Did we learn nothing from the Matrix Revolutions?)

But this movie is better than its predecessor. Ron Peralman is great, the monsters are dazzling and everyone seems like they are having a blast. Let’s just hope that in Del Toro’s next film the hobbits get more time to chill out and banter.

Wanted (2008)

Every few decades or so, I get to watch a movie that has absolutely everything: amazing characters, genius plot, bullet time, moistened cleavage... "Wanted" is that movie. I saw it, I saw it again, and I'm watching a bootlegged version of it that I downloaded off of LimeWire right now.

This is the greatest movie I have ever seen.

Grade: B+