Super 8 (2011)

So, some kids are being kids (making a movie, but it doesn't matter) and a train wreck or something happens, and some emotions happen or something, I don't really remember, but to sum up, everybody gets chased into a cave and the alien- SPOILER ALERT: It's an alien (like you didn't already fucking figure that out) gets them but then he doesn't eat them and he opens his eyes AND THEY'RE HUMAN EYES, and instead of being terrified like they should be the kids are all heartwarmed and everything turns out peachy. Weak. Oh, and I just remembered, in the final scene, there's this locket, and the kid is holding onto the locket 'cuz it represents his dead mom, and the dad says "no, let it go" and he lets it go and that lets the alien spaceship take off for some reason. Gaaay. ZERO STARS. You know what was an awesome movie about aliens? District 9.

District 9 (2009)

District 9 is what a sci-fi alien action movie should be, harsh, constantly exciting, and satisfying, but the best thing about it is how it has its way with your brain. The aliens in District 9 look like a cross between the bugs from Starship Troopers and Dr. Zoidberg, which works perfectly because even though you know you're going to feel for these disgusting creatures by the end (damn liberal filmmakers), your immediate feeling is repulsion. You're also pretty repulsed by the main character, though not because he's turning into a creustacean; more because he's an ass, and quite effectively so. His transformation is both figurative and literal, and as he transforms the nature of the sci-fi world transforms. By the end of the movie, humans explode with frequency, and all aliens are heroes who either save the day or go out in a blaze of glory. This movie is about rebellion and justice in the face of (human) oppression. Totally made me cry, and not in the lame, manipulative way, UNLIKE SOME MOVIES.

Y'know, comparing these two movies, I can't help but notice they approach similar sci-fi subjects from very different cultural angles. District 9 feels very much like an American action movie (despite its foreign production), but is about life under and the struggle against oppression. Super 8 feels like a boring foreign drama, but is about growing up in America in the '80s.

Make of it what you will, I guess.

Highlander (1986)

Hey guys! Let's talk about Highlander!

Like: remember when I thought I'd seen Highlander so I never watched it? 

And then remember last month when I logged in to Netflix and Netflix was all, "Heeey! Welcome back, %name friend! How about you rate this Highlander movie so my sexy algorithms can figure you out?" I was all, "I'm game, Flix, but I don't exactly remember that one." And Netflix was all, "Seriously? What are you doing with yourself?" And I actually sort of got my feelings hurt, but I played it off like I was just tired or whatever, and then hit play? OF COURSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT. I was alone in my room. But if you need proof I can put you in touch with my roommate's dog who was napping by my door at the time (no wait, I'm bad at getting back to people so take his info now: truckerschnauzer@aol.dog). 

Right. So there I was on my bed with my laptop, drinking some over-steeped tea, and I'm thinking, oh yeeeeeah, I remember this movie! Maybe. It's a movie about... boxing! Or, no, hang on, where's that fellow going? Oh right, right, right, to the parking lot where he's going to get in his vehic... waaaait whaaaaaat?! 

COMMENCE SPOILERS!

It turns out this guy Connor is IMMORTAL and he has a SWORD! And he is wielding it like a grandmaster motherfucking gladiator! And some other immortal is trying to Take Him Out, but the main Connor guy's like "no thanks!" and chops that other dude's face right off! And then there's this suspiciously cool-looking blue lighting event and Connor rushes off to safety!! 

So I yelled at the dog to hold my calls (what?) and watched the rest of this totally badass movie during which I got a crush on Connor and subsequently regretted said crush when it turned out he's sort of a creepy mess.

THE END!

Grade: B+

Helvetica (2007)

This is a documentary that consists 90% of B-roll of typeface.

...but,

it's also a history of design and culture of the past five decades.

You know,

the kind of shit you wish you learned in school.

...but you didn't.

If you're looking for something to peel back your personal perspective a little bit and inspire some out-of-the-box thinking

...this movie may do the trick.

Or maybe you'll just fuck around with fonts WHO KNOWS

Grade: B+

Rambo (2008)

The first half of this movie is basically a long series of atrocities in explicit detail, with the added bonus of getting to think "Oh hey, Myanmar... so then this kinda shit is actually happening, isn't it?" It is as sad and depressing and horrific as you would expect, right down to every child-murdering, limb-severing detail.

The second half of this movie is Rambo and friends killing the fuck out of every single man in Asia.

That's, like, it. Seriously; it's just sad violence for 45 minutes, then happy violence for 45 minutes. Pretty straightforward. It works, too, because by the time Rambo pulls out his bow and shoots, like, 10 guys straight in the face, so many horrible atrocities have been committed against innocents by the stereotypical Asian militiamen that every pacifist cell in your poor, traumatized body has long since been eradicated. By the 3rd act, you don't care that it's really black and white, or that it maybe kinda has some pretty questionable thematic undertones; damnit, you want blood! And boy do you get it.

...

OK, truth time: I'm a little disturbed by how much I enjoyed this movie.

Grade: A